com·mit·ment [kuh-mit-muhnt] :
1. the act of committing
2. the state of being committed
3. the act of committing or pledging
4. a pledge or promise; obligation
1. afraid of the act of committing
2. afraid of the state of being committed
3. afraid to make a pledge or promise; especially an obligation
4. afraid of a pledge of promise
5. can’t even say the word engagement without having heart palpitations or convulsions.
I recently boarded the tube from East London on a Sunday afternoon. Coming back from a hectic day at work, I had my headphones in, oblivious to all sounds around me. I did notice 4 girls with suitcases travelling together… and what I noticed the most, was that they all had engagement rings. And they all travelled together. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I came to my own conclusions. They were probably discussing how they would not be friends with a single girl, and how they pity girls who aren’t part of the exclusive marriage club where the only key to get in is a diamond ring.
Ok, so that’s being a bit unfair. They probably weren’t saying that. I really don’t know, but what I do know is that I want to know why these girls are getting married or are married. What do they have that I don’t, that they found the person they want to be with for the rest of their lives. I know that if I wanted to get married tomorrow, I could. But I am just so terrified, and I don’t know why it seems like I am the only person that is.
I am afraid of committing because I don’t know if that is the right person for me.. or what if they are the right person for the time. I read somewhere, and I am a little embarrassed to say that it may have been a Kim Kardashian interview… but there is a Mr. Right for a different time in a person’s life.. meaning many Mr. Rights. So, then how do I know which Mr. Right is Mr. Right Now?
I jump relationship to relationship without actually contemplating why I’m jumping ship. But I know that when things look like they’re turning for the worse, I vacate because I don’t want to be on the receiving end of a break up. I never give it a chance to steer itself clear because I just don’t think it will. When fights become so epic that I’m reduced to tears at the drop of a hat, I know I don’t want to do this anymore. So I don’t give up, I just move on. And sometimes moving on is the best thing to do- there’s a saying, and a cliched one at that “No man is worth your tears, but when you find the one that is, he won’t make you cry”
It may not seem like it, but I’m a sucker for romance.